Emotions

Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually! 1 Chronicles 16:11

For about the past six weeks I've had a blog idea in my head that I have wanted to write, but I haven't been sure how to write it or even if I should. I've started to write it in my head, and then I quit afraid others won't understand. Our blog is titled Journey to Parenthood, and what I want to share is a part of our journey. So here I sit hoping praying that the nice right best most honest words come out to express what has been on our mind.

Essentially our adoption journey in 2013 was an emotional one. We had completed everything the FBCH had required us to do just before Christmas of 2012 and were waiting for them to green light the home study process. In 2013 we were told that everything was on a hold and they had no clue when we would begin. They couldn't even guestimate if we would start by end of of 2013. Emotionally that is difficult hard gut wrenching to process when you're setting up a nursery, looking at strollers to buy, and every other scary thing that comes with a newborn. The best description for our emotions last spring were as close to a miscarriage as we could experience. To be planning and preparing and then left with nothing and really no hope of anything happening in 2013 was hard. Essentially, we decided we needed to live life and not plan anything for the adoption for the remainder of 2013.

So, we traveled a lot and spent a lot of time playing at Disney World. Every time we thought about or went to the SPCA and looked for another cat or dog, the FBCH would email us with a message that said we might be able to start in 2-4 weeks. It happened once in June and again in August. Each time we'd think something might be happening, and then we'd go months without another word. Again, here's another emotional roller coaster. I want to make this clear, Bobby and I know, understand, and accept that adoption is not easy, but most times it's because you are waiting for a child and birthparents, and not your own adoption agency not capable to handling to workload they have accepted.

Now this leads me to what has been on my mind lately. While Bobby and I have been going through this there are two things that we continued to and still struggle with today.

1. I fully understand that children are God's blessing, but when people say things about their children begin God's greatest gift, as a woman and a man who desperately want that experience it is very hard to not take it personally. Does God deem that Bobby and I are not worthy of His greatest gift? For those of you who really know me, know that I have fully accepted the benefits of not being pregnant and putting my body through that torture glorious experience. I have enough medical issues that I am thankful God knows what He is doing. I also know His plan is better than ours and I trust it, but it's still something that hurts. How do I say this honestly - be sensitive with your words. You're family can be your greatest gift, but please don't put so much emphasis on the greatest gift being pregnancy or your child around someone who can't or won't experience it.

2. Every so often we are taken aback by a friend (mostly high school Facebook friends who we don't keep in good contact with) announce they are pregnant  . . . again. Let me make this clear, we are very excited for our friends who are pregnant, this is about our emotions!!!! Bobby and I can't help but think that they're working on their second or third child and here we are just praying for one. Really people all we pray for is A child. Which leads to the slightly irrational idea that maybe we are getting too old for a child. If most of our friends are finished having their multiple children and we are still praying for number one, wouldn't it be easier to get another dog, cat, and an Audi (I can dream)? Last month one of my best friends gave me the best advice as we were talking about this. If having a child is in your heart, you are never too old. It is in our heart, so we continue.

Well that leads us to December 18, 2013. We received an email with actual home study adoption paperwork to fill out (45 pages of it). Yes! It took one full year of us sending in our last document for them to start the next step. Then this week we received another packet of paperwork to complete, sign, send away, sell a kidney for, notarize, and who knows what else. While this is overwhelming, we can't help but think how ironic the number of people who carelessly have a child because they have the capabilities of this and not necessarily the heart for having a child. I am not going to lie-it is frustrating. Again, getting another dog, cat, and an Audi seems way more easier than the now 100 pages we have to complete (along with a snazzy scrapbook for the FBCH to show off to prospective birthparents).

So that's where our journey has taken us in 2013. It's not pretty, but it's a part of our story. Hopefully you have a better understanding as to what has and has not been happening and will continue to pray for God's hand to continue His work in this adoption process.